Funny how easily revelations show up in the shower.
This morning I woke up well before the alarm. Rather than get up and wake my husband with my rustling about, I watched part of a movie called Wonder on Netflix. It’s about a nurse who’s brought in to watch and study a girl named Anna, who supposedly had not eaten for four months. (Now for some spoilers.) In talking with the girl, the nurse learns of some earlier trauma in the girl’s life that caused her emotional harm. I reached the point in the story where the nurse had carried the dying girl out to a beautiful spot by a creek. She told Anna that Anna was going to die right then, but a different girl called Nan was going to wake up in her place. Nan was a name that had come up earlier in the story, when the two imagined how different their lives would be if they had different names.
At this critical point, I needed to get up and on with the day.
I hopped into the shower, still thinking about the idea of one person going to sleep, another waking, and saw so many layers and larger questions in that. Who are we? Can we leave parts of ourselves behind? In that moment, I had the sensation of more old layers falling away, and I realized that I hadn’t forgiven some of my past selves for one thing or another. Minor stupid things and what I’ve always felt were major blunders. By offering that overdue forgiveness, I could let those parts of me live where they belong. In the past. Though I’ve done this kind of work many times, there were obviously still some bits that remained, and it was remarkable to feel them wash away.
As I stared at the water flowing at me, I had the aha moment where I pondered who I’d like to step out of the shower as. I liked the idea, especially after a night of grumpy tossing and turning caused by pain from a flare in my autoimmune condition. I was ready.
When we’re aware, we have so many more options available than just the mood or circumstances of the moment. We have choice. We have power. I exercised mine and chose to step out of the shower as a more elevated version of myself. Maybe I couldn’t be someone without physical pain, but I could be someone who was more patient, someone who can manage the pain better. Someone who wouldn’t get discouraged and let cranky joints get in the way of creativity and getting my writing done.
Now, about two hours later, I feel remarkably different than I did when I got up this morning. Different than yesterday morning and the day before that. This is so often how we grow. One choice at a time, one baby step. And I love how reminders constantly flow in to prompt us into remembering just how astounding and powerful we really are.
So, who do you choose to be today? Know that I’m behind you 100 percent!
Radiantly, Authentically Yours