Since last fall, I’ve been playing Whack-A-Mole with my life. If you’ve never played, it’s an arcade game where you try to whomp fake moles that pop up randomly before they pop down again. The longer you play, the faster the moles move and the harder it is to keep up.
For me, the moles have been a stream of medical issues, my stepmom’s death and its fallout, issues around my husband’s health, issues with my elderly Dad–and oh yeah, murders and rioting and becoming a better ally, negotiating media frenzy and political insanity, plus daily quarantine and Covid life-upheaval things. Phew. I’ve been trying to keep up with all this while doing what I really want to do, which is to write and start teaching the yummy things I have to share.
I always aim to live within the flow, to not get swept into the “pushing” energy. But even with that intent, there have been so many times I’ve found myself whomping for all I’m worth. Handling this. Staying on top of that. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I’ve earned my Ms. Responsible crown a few times over, and I’ve worn myself down to exhausted bone in the process. Yesterday it all came to a head when I learned that my Dad, who’s in an assisted living facility, woke up at 5 am to find a thief in his room, stealing money from his wallet. Suffice to say, I spent most of the day feeling like I was going to explode. Ugh!
This morning the Whack-A-Mole game kept coming to mind again. I knew I had to walk directly into this accelerating chaotic energy in order to understand and move through it.
When I committed to facing it, my team quickly said:
“Why do you feel you have to whack anything?”
“Why don’t you put down the mallet and let the moles do what they’re going to do?”
As I pondered this, they added:
“It’s not your game.”
In a moment of full-body shivers, those words shifted everything.
I know why I was playing Whack-A-Mole. It came out of genuine caring and concern for people I love and those who need help at this time. It came out of old expectations and conditioning, some sticky, first-born responsibility-itis, plus older beliefs and patterns of “should” behavior that have shown up to be released.
So today I’m putting my mole-whacker down. I will return to playing my game, to living my own Radical Radiant Authenticity as best I can each moment. Will I be there for others? Of course, but in a way that can bring higher wisdom and coherent energy to any situation.
Over these past several months, at times when I knew I wasn’t responding or handling things the way I knew I was capable of, I had a lot of those “what am I doing wrong” thoughts. Self doubt crept in. All along, my team has been saying, “It’s okay, you’re doing fine. Allow yourself to be human.” It’s easy to forget to give myself that grace.
Now I see they were right. Things in my personal life needed to build to a head so that the deepest things ready for release would be forced to the surface. The same way that we see things being pulled to the surface in our society. It’s no longer enough to know of the deeper problems intellectually. Just as it’s no longer enough to simply know spiritual concepts intellectually.
If you’re like me, you’re here to live the concepts, to BE the shift. You’re here to embody what you know and wade through the deep murky waters of learning how to bring your knowing to life in this physical world. There’s no instruction manual. It isn’t always smooth, easy or pretty, and that’s okay.
In truth, we’re all going to get a little (or totally) muddy in the process. I believe we need to be honest about that, and we need to give ourselves some slack, some grace on that as well. Muddy steps are still steps taken on the never-ending spiral of evolution!